A Mom’s Dreams
Mother’s Day has always been such a hard day for me. Ever since I was a little girl, all I’ve ever wanted was to hold a baby in my arms and be called Mommy; to feel a child growing in my belly; experience the joys of childbirth; to have those big, innocent eyes looking up at me, anxiously waiting for all the answers to their unending questions about life.
Though I tried for many years to preserve this precious gift through multiple painful surgeries (due to severe endometriosis), I was told I would need a hysterectomy. This was not the first time. I’d been told this for more than ten years, but had held out hope the doctors were wrong.
In my mid-30s now, the disease was doing too much damage to my body to wait any longer. I agreed. God had other plans for me and Mom was not on His list.
For anyone who believes you cannot miss what you’ve never had – you are sorely mistaken. There is death here.
Neither surgery nor disease can destroy what God puts in your heart. The desire and longing to mother remains.
Each time a baby cried, my heart broke. The holidays were bittersweet memories as I watched with equal amounts of joy and sadness as my siblings raised their children.
I wondered if this need would ever go away.
The feelings would fade at times, and then sneak up on me out of nowhere. I’d be with friends having a wonderful time, the conversation would turn to the future, our dreams and raising children. I’d feel my heart start to beat faster, then – like a one-two punch, the air would be rushing out of me and I couldn’t breathe. Leaving the room as fast as I could, I’d give the “I’ll be right back” universal signal from behind so they didn’t see the tears streaming down my face or the pain in my eyes. So many times I’d be fine, then the pain would hit me like a sledge hammer. Years would pass, then the sight of a mother with her baby in the park would send me shaking to my knees and crying out to God.
How would I build my own family? What about all my prayers?
God doesn’t leave us in our pain. He fulfills our prayers. Maybe not in the way we hoped for, but He has a plan for us.
Marriage not only made me a wife. It made me a Mom. Not to a child, but a young woman.
Prayers. Thousands of prayers I thought had gone unanswered, now fulfilled.
My prayers are different now. Lord, please make me worthy of this daughter’s love. Please make me the Mom she needs me to be, when she needs me to be there. Please don’t let her see how scared I am of being a complete failure or a hot mess all at the same time as I try to love her as Jesus loves me.
Let her understand grace and mercy and forgiveness, Lord. Let her give it freely, Jesus, because you know that I need it. You’ve forgiven me for my sins, Lord, but can she? Will she? Can I? I am my own worst critic.
It’s so hard to be the perfect Mother that I want to be; that I dreamed of being. I only have myself to give, Lord, in all my flaws and failures. Please make that enough for her just as it is enough for you.
One day she will know what it means to have a son or daughter look in her eyes and feel that kind of love.
Lord, please let her know that she is always enough for me. In my busyness, in my selfishness – if I ever forget to say it, Lord, please just let her know, because she is. She has been. She will always be.
Lord, she was enough the day you spoke her into life in her mother’s womb.
I don’t know how my Mom did this with five children. I wish she were around so I could share in her wisdom. There is so much I would ask her. So many things I want to tell her.
Did she ever feel like a failure? Did she pray for us?
I’m so sorry if I ever hurt you, Mom.
I pray that you know how much I treasured you while I had you on this earth; how much I still do.
I pray that my daughter would know that I daily pray for strength and guidance in my own walk. I pray that she would be the woman God has called her to be. I also pray that she would know how proud I am of the woman she is now, and that one day she would know how much strength she gives me; how much she has taught me about life; how much courage I gain from her being in my life.
Lord, I pray for her safety, for you to protect her from the enemy and for you to make straight paths for her.
I pray for her future, for her to have a godly husband and children. For her to be treated like the wonderful treasure that she is. And I pray that she would never forget Jesus loves her.
For all the Mothers and the Mothers-to-be, and for all the women who will never have children, but will nurture the people He has placed in your lives: Never give up on your dreams and never stop praying. He hears your prayers and fulfills them. Through your pain, He will bring you joy. He will bring you strength.
He is working on you as you work through others.
Remember – You are dearly loved.
What are you praying for this Mother’s Day?
I’m linking up here.
Keep the Faith,