We’ve all been here at least once. Few things are more painful than when your relationship is falling apart and, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to get it back on track. You used to get along so well. You laughed together, enjoyed being together, you talked things out. And the sex was great. Now it feels like you just have to look at him wrong and your man is snapping at you, or worse, ignoring you all together. Even that sexy nightie can’t get his attention anymore. What happened?
This is where we get into trouble. We start to apply “Women Logic” to the situation to figure out the why of things.
There are three big problems with using Women Logic in Relationships:
1. We think like women and act like women, and our assumptions are all based on this. Men don’t use Women Logic. They have completely different behavioral and communication styles; they almost never think what we are thinking unless it’s about food or sleeping. And ladies, have you ever watched a group of men go to the bathroom together? No. We are relational. They are physical.
Example: When you get into an argument, you want to talk things out and settle the situation; put it behind you. Men and women are physiologically different; they are not built to handle stress the way women are. From very young ages they are shown to have more frequent temper tantrums, longer tantrums, and longer recovery times. When they engage in confrontation and experience criticism, they often experience what is called flooding where the heart rate accelerates. This makes them want to run away – or stonewall us – which is the opposite of what we are trying to do. What’s worse, this study in the book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman, Ph.D shows that while men are stonewalling, they are rehearsing negative thoughts. Women self-sooth themselves when they stonewall.
Is it any wonder we have such a wide communication gap?
Recommendation: If you see that your guy is starting to get upset, stop the conversation and schedule a time later to talk about it. Or just schedule 15 minutes to talk about things that need attention and stay on that topic only. That way there are no heated discussions and no one is caught off guard by a surprise “we need to talk” conversation.
2. As much as we know and love someone, we don’t know what they are thinking or why they are acting a certain way until they tell us. When we label things to identify the problem so we can fix it, it just makes things worse. Labels can be hurtful; they often lead to more issues and a breakdown of trust in the relationship. Our fears and insecurities cause us to see/hear/think things that often times are not there. This is one of the devil’s mightiest weapons in destroying relationships today.
Example: We haven’t been intimate in over a month. He doesn’t want to kiss me or touch me and he talks to me as if he hates me. He spends more and more time at work, he’s been secretive; he must be having an affair. This is often every woman’s worst fear. When our man takes away his love and affection, we sometimes go into panic mode thinking something is wrong with us or the relationship. This is not always the case. Our actions and panic often make an already bad situation worse.
Recommendation: Relationships go through seasons. He may be having a difficult time at work; he could be worried about the future; he might be worried about getting older. We don’t know. Until we do, assume everything is okay and trust your man. Give him a little more TLC and respect and help him get through this difficult time.
The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1
3. Turn your attention inward and upward, not outward at your man. It’s always easier to identify what someone else is doing wrong, rather than our own flaws. Whenever you ask someone what the problem is in their relationship, they automatically list issues with their mate.
Example: So many women say that they cannot repair a relationship if their man is not willing to try. That’s false in many cases. It’s like saying that your man controls his actions and yours…and God’s. Does your man really hold that much power? I know my God can move mountains.
Recommendation: When relationships start to get rocky, four of the primary causes are:
- Loss of respect (for men)
- Loss of intimacy or feelings of affection (for women)
- Boundary issues (one taking on too much responsibility and a parent/child relationship resulting)
- Lack of a God-centered marriage – marriage was created by God. When you and your mate struggle to be first in the marriage, no one wins. In a God-centered marriage, Christ is first. Always. Your mate is second, you are third. When this is done consistently, it is a beautiful representation of agape love.
If your relationship is struggling right now, pray for God to give you the wisdom to examine your own actions contributing to the problems and work on those. God is already working on your man. He uses trials to show us a weakness we need to build up. Be the type of person you’d like to be with in a relationship; list out all of those qualities and then work toward them. Don’t worry if your man isn’t doing his part. Relationships don’t work that way. God works on different people at different times. Have patience and give Him time to work. Focus on the above recommendations and see if your relationship doesn’t improve. And don’t forget to forgive past hurts.
Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes. 2 Corinthians 2:10-11
If you are going through a complete communication breakdown in your relationship, read more on how to repair your relationship at Communication Breakdown.
Are you going through a struggle in your relationship right now? Do you need help finding the right resources? You can also check out, Living in an Unhealthy Relationship, Avoiding Unhappy Marriages, and Relationship Rescue.
It’s so hard when you are in the midst of this trial to know you will get safely to the other side, but you will. Have faith. If you have been here before, please leave a message of encouragement below for ones who may be walking this path now.
I’m linking up here today.